heavy w/ thoughts.

my mind is heavy with thoughts.
mentally tiring is what it is.
this week has been filled with so muchh
and what im doing is venting.
i can't decide whether its worth it or not.
shot down constantly, i just wish i had one shot.

to truly prove what im about.
it just takes time, that no one wants to put out.
if you think truly, that's what life is.
just t i m e. just time is what it is.
i dont even know what the my next day is gonna bring,
i just need you to be there, without a worry or a thing.

& i wana write more, but i kinda sorta have writer's block.
so i'll re-run this another time. its time for a bing bing.

hiv/aids- negative.

okay, I'm not gonna lie. i still want you.
& no matter what your gonna have my heart.
kicckin it with you makes me hurt so bad,
that's why friends are impossible....
i just need to get my heart back or something.
i cant believe you have me this damn open!
and it sucks that your just not feeling it,
& you think I'm just not getting it.
but i do understand, that your tryna be a man.
& you think your doing what's best for the plan.
But it kills me to sit back and just wonder,
was it really me, or did he just want another.
& I want so badly for you to just be real with me,
it's really tearing me apart and its a shame you cant see.
but for now I'm just gonna try to get my heart back,
cause if it was meant to be, you will come back.

< / 3

Epilogue; english assignment.

If I could live my life all over again with the knowledge I have now, I would be such a better person. Even without the knowledge I wouldn’t have tried to rush anything to come faster or to change. I would live life on the safe side because on the wild side, your signing up to get hurt and in trouble. If I were to live my life over again and change things, I would change the way I acted towards people, or some of the actions I did. Now I think back and I know it wasn’t right of me to burn the people that meant the most to me. I would maybe take back some of the things I said that really hurt. Maybe also would have thought twice before acting on an instinct. I would have definitely followed my gut instead of my heart, because it seems my whole life it has lead me the wrong way. But lets not get it twisted, everything that had to do with a friend or male companion, I would not change at all. I would not change who I am or what I have become. I am proud of that and the goals I have achieved and set for myself. Yes I have made many mistakes in my life time but they have all taught me something from them. As drake once said,” If I learn from it, how can it be a mistake?”

just some poems, i liked.

The irony of love;

loving the right person at the wrong time , loving the wrong person when the times right
and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out your life.
Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love .
The love is always present, it's just that one was being loved to much and the other was being loved too little.
As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left ,
Maybe thats the reason why the heart is not often right.
Most often we fall in love not only to discover that for them we are just past times
While the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or stays a stranger.

&&

i wrote a four page letter, but summed it down to a note.
i tell you i love you from my heart but you take it as a quote.
So i squared the love and added some [faith] so it could equal [hope].
Shooting for the stars with just my heart & no 'scope.
They say [young] love is [dumb] love and most times it's [sprung] love
So we say [fuck] love and we see cupid && say here come love.
but we tend to block the arrows off with hatred because your partner
keeping secrets and you thought the rela was sacred... waiting for a change
but its hard to have patience when your heart is in the attic & her trust is in the basement.

in reply to your " deep shit "

okay so it makes no sense...

you got three bitches on your team...
you describe the second as "makes you so mad"
and you describe the last as someone that's "sus"
& the first i can't seem to figure out what's her problem.

is it that she doesn't trust you so everything you say she questions?
& it becomes an argument because you can never back down from your pride.
do you truly sit back and think about your scenario and what its worth?
what are the true thoughts and feelings behind every word that is said?
knowing in your heart that the intentions are good, although they may come out bad.
& she doesn't trust because everything you say is opposite of what you do.


although you claim to be always down & here or whatever,
but where are you now? you thinkk your so damn clever.
you make me second think your words cause every action says something different.
maybe it's cause your confused at what you exactly want, or you dont know the difference, and when you have it you don't know how to act?
maybe you should drop all of them and start w/ someone new.
someone who truly doesn't know you, because to me what your about
is almost nothing... almost to the point lying in my face just to settle something.

if you want an opinion, you should be a man, instead of playing every game at hand.
and maybe once that happens it will all just click , & that girl will stick.

but your oblivious to the fact that you contribute to the problem & if it was really worth it to you, you will fix what's breaking you from your potentials.

WASSUP; a little abt me.

um heyy im alexus shalae. No need for the full government,
my favor color is white and hot cookies make me horny.
i wear my heart on my sleeve if you got braces.
i dont know its just myy thinggg.
julian mc duffy has truly had my heart since we first started talking...
hmm when was that boo back in like ('07)?
and even tho we might go a separate ways once in a while, we always come bac
and that's how you know. and this is just a stream of conscienceness .
so im pretty much always cold, and i hate it cause i love to dress with hardly anything on. and i h8 the summer, even tho i love the beach and my toes stickin out the window. i love winter even tho i hate being cold. i roll with my windows down with my heater on. i smoke cigarettes and i admit its not cute, and if you think i really dont cause you've never seen it, trust me it's cause you dont know me. i like being alone a lot. other people just always bring conflict. im just an alone person. i dont even like to go out where there's a lot of people. i can sleep with my soul mate all dayy. not even have to talk, if i knew we had forever. i keep a guard on my heart for as long as i can until someone breaks it. im mostly cool with every person i meet, but trust me i probably dont like you, i dont like people easily epically females that act like they cant just be cool. i think red nail polish represents class and wealth. and no make up represents security. smiling and laughing is such a must, i dont believe in people who try to hide that. i dont believe in having a lot of friends. everybody is my associate, fam or nothing.
i dont believe in giving up on someone or something you love.
i believe in karma.
im really starting not to believe in love.
summer o9 is here, and im expecting the worse, & hoping for the best.

12:30 am May 18 , 2009

I cry because I feel like how could you not understand.
Do you ever remember the things I tell you I go thru
Or what's happening in my life? Do you ever once stop
To think that at the very momment I'm next to you
And I'm silent, with no kind of happiness to my face.
That my thoughts could be filled with my worries & stresses.
Do you ever think I could need a hug or just to be held?
I know you say your not the simp type, but when someone
You " l o v e" is overwhelmed with life do you ever stop what's going
Thru your mind or what's going on in your life to mybe try & help.
Or if you feel like your powerless, do you ever think to just simply
Hold, hug, or kiss ; the girl right before you. That you may not want
Or even care abt but you know you have her heart and although you
Feel powerless to help just the simplest gesture could make her day
Or night. Maybe it could remind her of the boy she once fell in love with
Cause as of now, she completely lost sight of why you made her so happy
And the memories she's holding on to are fading as you let the time past.

5.3.2009

When we hooked up
We sat down
Made an agreement
We vowed that
That we'd always be together
Through whatever
We said that no one ever
Get between us
So love will never ever leave us
that was a while ago,
But now lately
It feels like
I mean I feel like
All we do is fight
Every single night
Can't make it tight
Can't get it right
I just wanna go back
Take it way back
All the way back
Can we start again?
Do it over?
Can we straighten' it out?
Can we work it out? cuz


I don't wanna be
(be without you, be without you)
I don't wanna live
(live without you, live without you)
I dont wanna go
(go without you, go without you)
See sugar I dont wanna
I don't wanna (be alone)


Do you realize
I can't sleep without you
Think without you
Eat without you
Speak without you
Be without you,I can't even breathe without you
I can't (feel without you), deal without you
(Spend without you)
My whole world is upside down
Don't wanna go out
Cause I can't ride without you
Feel like i'm goin' die without you
What is a girl supposed to do?
When I spend my last time to be in your life
I don't wanna be without you




How can this be?
That it's not working out
we vowed
to be--always together
It's hurting me
That we don't talk no more
It wasn't supposed to be this way
Where did we go wrong?
We both made mistakes
We gotta carry on