December.

December is already here? where was i this year? 

haha i was everywhere! funny actually, cause i found myself this year.

i discover who & what's important to me. i discovered me.

and in the simplest words possible i have found happiness.

finding flaws

Am I trying to find flaws in us?
Us so perfect, in deep lust.
But I feel deep inside something's not right,
I wana work it out & keep us tight.
Am I trying to find flaws in us?
Cause I'm not believing it, when we don't fuss.
We're different & I'm feeling it,
do you feel it or is it just me in this.
Am I trying to find flaws in us?
Its only you I'm craving , and its when you call me baby ,
& I'm on another world words have me fainting.
Am I trying to find flaws in us?
Keeping patiences, slowly building our trust,
this is everything I want,
but is it me with the problem or is it us?

Rev Weekly Wisdom

I follow Rev. Run on Twitter.com
& he posts a few daily wisdom every day.
Here are my weekly favorites;

From: @RevRunWisdom
Sent: Nov 18, 2009 8:30a

Love gives,, Lust takes..

From: @RevRunWisdom
Sent: Nov 17, 2009 6:47a

When ur up, ur friends know who u are,
when ur down, u know WHO ur friends are

From: @RevRunWisdom
Sent: Nov 17, 2009 6:47p

Trying to forget someone u love,
is like trying to remember someone u never knew...
Impossible!

From: @RevRunWisdom
Sent: Nov 17, 2009 7:34p

The worst thing is holding on to someone
who doesnt want to be held on to.. real talk

From: @RevRunWisdom
Sent: Nov 18, 2009 1:09p

its not so much that u miss past relationships,,
u just miss the person u thought they was

From: @RevRunWisdom
Sent: Nov 18, 2009 3:00p

If u have many friends,,
its obvious ur a very forgiving person.. real talk

From: @RevRunWisdom
Sent: Nov 19, 2009 9:17a

Some ppl think holding on to ppl
& things makes u strong..
but very often its letting go that strengthens u

flaws & all.

I'm a train wreck in the morning

I'm a bitch in the afternoon

Every now and then without warning

I can be really mean towards you

I'm a puzzle yes in deed

Ever complex in every way

And all the pieces aren't even in the box

And yet, you see the picture clear as day.

( at least i hope, or w. time )

late night thoughts

I keep having thoughts of you.
I keep thinking about scenarios or what I'd do,
if we were to run into each other,
would I even acknowledge you or treat you as if you were just another...
Strangers we have seem to grown , but memories I still hold on to ,
I'm not ashamed to admit and say aloud that I miss you.
To be honest I'm waiting for the day, your not ashamed either.
and I can laugh in your face when you admit there's no one like her.
But until the day comes, I sit back w. just these thoughts in bed,
will they ever come true or just stick in my head.

monday morning, rain is fallinn' .

Wondering , Contemplating . Confused but I'm okay with it . Complete & not losing it . Bliss ; in it's purest form .

more to the eye.

It's never how i wish it would be

& i wish effortlessly it will happen how i want it to be. 

Patience's where are you when i need you the most. 

Please save me from this slight misery. 

Cause its a hard pill to swallow 

and a little less when  your un-bothered. 

Trying to keep my mind of it, 

keep my feelings in the closet. 

Saying as least as possible, 

cause no words are going to change the outcome. 

mind boggled and speechless, 

say the words needed to end this. 

or leave it as our [un]spoken  t h o u g h t s .

two separate you's

you claim not to take it personal,

no phone call or text is not intentional.

I'm thinking, what are you thinking?

& I'm bothered by the fact of what your not thinking.

Is it grade school?

cause my thinking is outside the box,

somewhere else something far from false.

Missing just the tone of your voice, 

I'm wanting to just hold you close. 

Together something so perfect, 

Eskimo kisses while watching the sunset. 

Giggles and whispers as our hands share warmth, 

eye to eye contact as our lips seem to touch. 

When I'm with you affection is no issue.

apart from you is what i have to get used too.

Two separate you's.

just a quick thought

it used to be so easy, now taken back by something a little more believing. Curious i am but have no patiences. Ain't waiting for the answers time is just wastin.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

greatest things.

it makes my day when you hate on me,,

ttrust me i dont take it offensively.

i love it when you have nothing better to do,

then speak on everything that i do.

& every comment i make, just rocks your world...

its like everything i say, is something new.... never heard before.

and your feelings get soo hurt over something i laugh about

and its sad that you even let me know that , thats what your mad about.

i love it when i can ruin your day, i guess its just the devil in me.

hatin ass bitches is what you HAVE too be!!, cause i haven't done shit for you not to like me!!

and you think it truly bothers me that you call me names,

it's the best part of this little game.

TALK TALK TALK MOREEE, please.

it's in my eyes the greatest thing!

but as im blogging about this its just cause i have a lil spare time,

to be honest i dont have the time to cater to these simple minded bitches problems with me,

 i guess cause im about mine and you dont know how to be, 

bitch how old are you and what are you doing with your life,

you think your hard cause you talk shit over a networking site?

like what are you doing with your life, that makes you even on my level,

for me to give two goddamn fucks what you say or think?

[i guess its just the pdena hoodrats mentality!]

( this is not dedicated to everyone )

omg flashbackk to my days the 90s babyy

This is the sexist man back in the 90s.
omg i melt watching his music videos.

for mar mar

no one word description ; .
knocked down, by stress after stress.
broken, so im like fuck the rest.
a blessing on the way & right now it's my only blessing
boy i know this is going to be such a lesson.
without you , is something new.
& without you i will make it thru.
mommy's little princess grown up now
girl to a woman & now i wonder how
everything happen so fast
and how did we not last?
and if im making you wonder
& now you wana ask
then im doing my job ,
making you want to know more
thats my onlyy task.
so sitting back watching you hoes try
but im not replaceable no lie.

Believe

I've always been a deep believer in reality. Something that is too good to be true, usually isn't. but there's a little thing called faith that everyone holds on too. and they believe with faith anything can happen. If you feel in your gut its not going to work , or change is not going to happen within someone else... I would believe in that. I wouldn't keep faith in something that is completely out of your hands. Things to keep faith in... is yourself for one, and keep faith in your success, don't ever believe or let anyone tell you , it's not possible or you can't do it. Impossible is Nothing. Just a little bit of Saturday morning thoughts... have a good day!

. . . . .

so as the blank box sits before me, i can't write.
i'm good at this i swear, just not today?
not yesterday either, nor the day before.
i feel stuck, i can think all day but when it's time write...
my hand won't move, my finger won't type.
it was so easy back then, but now? is something wrong?

no broken heart.

I remember when you filled my heart with joy
was I blind to the truth just there to fill the space
'cause now you have no interest in anything that I have to say.
And I've allowed you to make me feel, I feel so dumb.
What kind of fool am I? You so easily set me, aside.


I want to kiss you. Does she want you with the pain that I do?
Smell you in my dreams. But now when we're face to face,
you won't look me in the eye.
No time, no friendship, no love.
You say don't touch you, I can't touch you no more.
Can't touch you, anymore. Anymore...


You made a fool of me,
tell me why? tell me why..
you say that you dont care
but we made love, tell me why..

lil bit of something great, true, real.

It ain't dramatized, and it ain't a fuckin act
when you're traumatized, and it ain't no turnin back
When you're so connected, and it's hard to keep your focus
When you're so affected, and it's hard to love again
When you're so neglected - suck it up, I'm 'posed to
That ain't easy for somebody you're close to.

let's see.

you used to be the only person who could break me;
now what's tearing us apart is making me ...
overcoming a weakness made me strong,
it was just prolonged too long.

I guess apart of me just wanted to hold on,

but clearly your actions showed you were so far gone .
and it's more than okay such a lesson learned ,
I always wana make a left when right, is the right turn.
both giving it all we had... never wanting it to end bad ,
is it right to hold on because of "love" or do you let go because you love.
I just believe in letting go and if it comes back that's how you know.
cause if we were meant to be we would be, putting no pressure on us lets just see .

amber rose & HER SHOES!

I NEEEEDDDDD THEMMMM BOTH!!
Although i think Amber Rose is nothing but a bald thick ass model.
She has a good sense of style when it comes too shoes.
Sometimes I'm like bitch what the fuck are you wearing?
Then i look down at her shoes and I'm like alright you got away with it.
Don't get me wrong she is veryy beautiful, bad bitch might i add.
I would expect a bitch like this to be out with Kayne's ignorant ass lmao.

The black shoe; Louis Vuitton Spicy Sandal in Patent Calf leather
The Brown shoe; Bottega Veneta Tea Storm Cuir

Me;

sorry iits just that nothin fazes me .
all the talk & emotion just doesn't get too me .
let me take back that sorry cause like someone once told me .
never apologize for being honest i just can't hold it in me .
I walk with a high head you'll never catch it down ,
I laugh like dumb bitch why you wearing a frown?
it's amazing how people can be broken so easily,
I guess when your In love it's the only thing you can see .
that's why I'm on that fuck love type status , it's just not my get down....
I'm in it for me, cause I can never let myself down.
to be honest when I had a heart for the one I truly love
he took it and taught me how to not give a fuck.
I think that's why are relationship is so thick,
cause no matter what he does I still own that dick.
bitches might get samples or had him once upon a time
but the truth or the reality is he's mine.
that's why I do me and not trip off much,

cause I'm only 17 and this world is too ruff .

your weak affair.

it's too eazyy to rock your world,

please believe it.
pressuring the decision like take it or leave it .
but I don't want you like that,
so let me step back
and make it a lil mystery, challenge & chase,
maybe give you a lil ass but just enough for a taste .
knowing you got another & as do I
but it's summer so I'm just letting the time flyy byy.
keepin us as the unknown but we only know ,
the things we do when we get all alone.
I'm cool with the secret, keeps me on my toes
but baby I think your girl already knows .

havent blogged in forever.

not that i need to update or anything cause my life is my business
im just thinking at all the things people stress out about and how ridiculous it is.
like life is too short to be worrying about things that arent going to make or break you
i have truly realised that in the past week and i think im becoming a preacher when it comes to that
its a shame might i say when people get all worked up over things that are so simply nothing at all.
although we our in the hardest times of life i am forced to look past that. it's the only way i see out.


i have truly realised recently what true friends are, and that i have none.
dont take offence to me saying this but truly i dont believe i have friends.
i have family.
i have me.
anyone other is a mere associate that comes in my life just as simply as they drop out .

& for the females; chill out with the dudes you fuck w/ trust me i do not want them more as they want me. i have a headache enough with the one i have. & dont need no other. thank you.

heaven can wait

Tell the angels no, I don't wanna leave my baby alone
I don't want nobody else to hold you
That's a chance Ill take
Baby Ill stay, heaven can wait
No, if the angels took me from this earth
I would tell them bring me back to him
Its a chance Ill take, maybe Ill stay
Heaven can wait


Each moment spent with you is simply wonderful
This love I have for you boy its incredible
And I don't know what Id do, if I cant be with you
The world could not go on so every night I pray
If the lord should come for me before I wake
I wouldn't wanna go if I cant see your face, cant hold you close what good
Would heaven be if the angels came for me Id tell them no

continued. . . . . .

my mind is heavy with thoughts.
mentally tiring is what it is.
this week has been filled with so muchh
and what im doing is venting.
i can't decide whether its worth it or not.
shot down constantly, i just wish i had one shot.

to truly prove what im about.
it just takes time, that no one wants to put out.
if you think truly, that's what life is.
just t i m e. just time is what it is.
i dont even know what the my next day is gonna bring,
i just need you to be there, without a worry or a thing.
but regardless of you, or a bitch ima make it,
screaming fuck the world, probably gonna get it tatted.

dumb mutha fucka stop thinking success is about having money
get an education, then worry about having the honeys
it's sad what people make life out to be, just wasting the time
w a s t e, -wasting time.
d a r e n wallace- a damn thug nasty

im talking about you.

it's crazy how all you have to say is three words.
i instantly start to drip, then the time slows
& all i hear is tick tick, the seconds become slow
as if it's taking you hours just to show, come here!
come here! put your hands there and your tongue any where.
i dont even have to tell you, this i know is true
im so caught up in the thought, u ask me a question
& im like wait what who? cause just the thought
keeps me sustained, you have me by the D alone
it's sad cause damn you have me so far gone.

but your the only person who doesnt see,
that im simply yours, yours only to be.
Daren tells me to have patience and stay down
but i truly have no patience's i cant even sit down.
you keep me anxious as fuck, & the only thing that calms me
is your fuck. my mind becomes perplex with all thoughts
then you nut, as i exhale and at a point of time were one.
and its at that time where loving you becomes fun .

then something always set me back, turned away from you
cause you prove everyday that all your about is you.
rolling with the punches, i hope my black & blue dont show
so i sit back and play the part for now, enjoying what your willing to give
waiting for the time when im done giving & without u im out to live.
cause i dont wana settle, just to numb the pain away
baby please dont make me turn away

cause. . .

i wish i could just walk away, without a word or nothing to say. but ill be the first to say sorry, and come back in a hurry. baby please help me and make this easy, cause if you want me come here its so easy. just call me baby & pull me close, don't let me go, don't believe me when i say im done.

just believe me when i say i need a man, & just be here in whatever way you can.
so baby now you know the deal, please don't front just tell me whats real?

ugh i dont even wana post this.

so it's been about a week sense i've truly blogged,
i've kinda had a crazy week and my thoughts have been
everywhere. i've been it the crappiest mood, thanks to
pdl jason blood. i swear to god man ima go nuts. like
no body understand this shit and how it truly affects
ugh... then its all this other shit on top of dealing with him
its like my summer is starting off super shitty ass of now.
i haven't had not one fucking decent night and it super sucks.
i need to get the fuck outta here, cause i can see myself probably
cutting or something to relieve the stress i'm under . i feel like
i'm a old ass woman, my back hurt and shit ugh its really like
FML right now. life shouldn't be this way for ANYBODY.

r.i.p michael jackson

man so sad, i was raised listening to this man .
no matter what happen he was number one of all time .

westtt u[p]

thoughts
scattered... splatt!
your in mind
wont you just disappear
please?
go now
& take ur memories with u
laughs, inside jokes, sex
nonexistence of u.
leave...

but wait
i take it back
come back
stayy..
make more
memories for me to hold
so when i feel
its done, its not.
brings me back
every time.

now tears
drop before i can even
process what happen,
was said
or done.
can this be?
this is l o v e
couldn't be!
tell me its not
sustained throughout .
fix it, change up.
never an option
righhh?

drake- come real.

Ive always wondered why you bothered putting make up on
you don't need it
Even tho I always tell you that your beautiful
I repeat cause I don't want no singer and I don’t want no model
I don't want no fashion designer or nothing
I just want your love
Telling you that's more than enough for me


All you gotta do is Come real
Shawty whats tha deal don't think just cause your simple that you lose your appeal
I wouldn’t have it any other way
To stay real
What you make me feel
Its true beauty is the ultimate appeal





i don't think he could have said it any better. <>

"people wear sheep clothing but are wolfs on the inside"

I felt compelled to write on this phenomenon that's going on in our world, & right in our very own city. Just taking the time to sit & think while I'm in court my damn self. All these people that I have either known or know or at least heard of are getting murdered or locked up. " it's gonna be a crazy ass summer " It really makes me think like what am I gonna do with myself to stay as far as possible from all this nonsense ? It's almost inevitable that everyone is going thru this epidemic called a recession and what's completely shocking and actually very quite shameful is that there were two families that donated 900,000 to support the Lakers parade while the state is shutting down schools & teachers & administrators are losing their jobs. I was thinking this thought the other day;

instead of donating to other countries which I'm sure do need more help then we, why not fix ourselves first? Oprah is steadily sending millions and millions of her own money to help starving children when all California needs is maybe 20% of those funds to help with the economic downfall.

I have seen it personally effect my very own family and all I can do is sit back and watch. Needless to say I feel very helpless and almost very selfish that I think of my own before I think of anyone else. Although this is okay in society if more people gave more than they took, it would impact the world tremendously. Just sitting back and enduring all this in my liddol brain it's my motivation alone. Amounting among other things of course , these problems alone bring the hustle out of me. It's my personal pursuit of happiness not only to better myself but to bring a few along with me , if I can't save them all I'm gonna damn sure die trying. So I have this motivation but in comes religion and the part it plays. I grew up with the teachings of everything is truly out of gods hands and right now it's Satan ruling the earth. This I believe because there's no way in hell god would be putting people through all this hardship. I need to find it in myself to want to give myself to god, but once again it's my selfish ways that hold me back. I just pray to stay focused on getting to where I need to be . Instead of praying for success.

Success comes from ones personal happiness. Money, cars and clothes do not make you a successful person . Our young generation tend to think that this is the case but are very naive. Being successful comes from being first wise. Having it in yourself to be dead broke but still having knowledge .

Right now I watch my dad just now realizing this and for this I am proud because at the young age he is enforcing it in me. I am very blessed to have him although I never show it. I'm very hypocritical writing this because all of what I'm against is what I am. That's why it's easy to write about because in a shell I am describing myself. And I can't vow or promise I'm gonna change, that type of commitment has to come naturally . Or having motivation as your drive to un-monotonize your life style. But to that I say good luck cause it's hard out here fo a pimp. L m a o , just on a serious note.

yaa

it's like damn can you get the point,

is it not obvious how I'm feeling?

maybe it's that i lead you on & that's not fair.

but shit life is un fair my nigga!

your so dehydrated that your almost embarrassing

i need to just be straight up with you so you can stop harassing me.

i mean just to be honest the attention at first was what i needed.

but then you just gave to much like begging and pleading.

its like you try way to hard to get me to like you

and your just not my type, so its truly not you.

the head was cool & the laughs were great

but now I'm super over it, its just not our fate .

so please don't take this too hard.. we can still be cool

the best of friends is what i can do

but anything more your gonna have too miss me.

an old away message

june 9. It hurts so bad but we know it's best. Damn I'm just wishin we could say fucc the rest. To me the easier thing to do would be saying let's just get thru this, but your outlook on it is we just gotta end this. & I respect it although it's tearin me to agree, your just aiming for this to end peacefully. So I'm gonna take what you told me to heart, and one day in the future we will join bac like we were never apart. I know it's going to b tuff, but I should have expected this when I said I liked it ruff. But it's just goodbye for now, not forever & I'm looking toward the day we can be together. Not on no relationship type shit, just me & you chillin n shit.

jonathan

It's actually kind of sad. This is a 6 y/o (?) & he even realizes how degrading that word is. It amazes me how strongly people feel about it tho. The "N" word being used by our own people, should be okay? But when it comes to other people who might not be of that race, it then becomes offensive? To be honest I'm not sure how i feel about this topic, it just amazed me how he spoke and how carried himself at such a young age. He made me want to go read a book, and boost my vocabulary.

i h8.

e v e r y b o d y . wants to be loved.
if you feel like, l o v e is not in you , or is impossible,
your not being true, to the world & yourself.
females try to portray themselves like men,
in saying... that they are incapable of loving or love.
1.bitch you don't have nuts.
2.you look stupid, "acting" hard.
3. you ain't tight !

it's hard to admit that the power of the D , is a weakness.
but you forget that you have the Capital P.

that runs all.
when you feel weak, because you can't seem to figure out why
your dude just can't act right, DROP HIS ASS & find another.

if you have, day in & day out proved yourself worthy of his everything

& he still don't treat you like he should, it's time to explore else where
if someone feels like they " got you " , you betta remind me that they don't
cause as soon as they sense your insecurities , they play on them.

and all this im saying, i would say truthfully i have no position.
cause i would be in this category , but im thankful to truly be learning.
and all this im enduring is making me stronger, so i find it a blessing.

so i thank you.

heavy w/ thoughts.

my mind is heavy with thoughts.
mentally tiring is what it is.
this week has been filled with so muchh
and what im doing is venting.
i can't decide whether its worth it or not.
shot down constantly, i just wish i had one shot.

to truly prove what im about.
it just takes time, that no one wants to put out.
if you think truly, that's what life is.
just t i m e. just time is what it is.
i dont even know what the my next day is gonna bring,
i just need you to be there, without a worry or a thing.

& i wana write more, but i kinda sorta have writer's block.
so i'll re-run this another time. its time for a bing bing.

hiv/aids- negative.

okay, I'm not gonna lie. i still want you.
& no matter what your gonna have my heart.
kicckin it with you makes me hurt so bad,
that's why friends are impossible....
i just need to get my heart back or something.
i cant believe you have me this damn open!
and it sucks that your just not feeling it,
& you think I'm just not getting it.
but i do understand, that your tryna be a man.
& you think your doing what's best for the plan.
But it kills me to sit back and just wonder,
was it really me, or did he just want another.
& I want so badly for you to just be real with me,
it's really tearing me apart and its a shame you cant see.
but for now I'm just gonna try to get my heart back,
cause if it was meant to be, you will come back.

< / 3

Epilogue; english assignment.

If I could live my life all over again with the knowledge I have now, I would be such a better person. Even without the knowledge I wouldn’t have tried to rush anything to come faster or to change. I would live life on the safe side because on the wild side, your signing up to get hurt and in trouble. If I were to live my life over again and change things, I would change the way I acted towards people, or some of the actions I did. Now I think back and I know it wasn’t right of me to burn the people that meant the most to me. I would maybe take back some of the things I said that really hurt. Maybe also would have thought twice before acting on an instinct. I would have definitely followed my gut instead of my heart, because it seems my whole life it has lead me the wrong way. But lets not get it twisted, everything that had to do with a friend or male companion, I would not change at all. I would not change who I am or what I have become. I am proud of that and the goals I have achieved and set for myself. Yes I have made many mistakes in my life time but they have all taught me something from them. As drake once said,” If I learn from it, how can it be a mistake?”

just some poems, i liked.

The irony of love;

loving the right person at the wrong time , loving the wrong person when the times right
and finding out you love someone right after that person walks out your life.
Most relationships tend to fail not because the absence of love .
The love is always present, it's just that one was being loved to much and the other was being loved too little.
As we all know that the heart is the center of the body but it beats on the left ,
Maybe thats the reason why the heart is not often right.
Most often we fall in love not only to discover that for them we are just past times
While the one who truly loves us remains either a friend or stays a stranger.

&&

i wrote a four page letter, but summed it down to a note.
i tell you i love you from my heart but you take it as a quote.
So i squared the love and added some [faith] so it could equal [hope].
Shooting for the stars with just my heart & no 'scope.
They say [young] love is [dumb] love and most times it's [sprung] love
So we say [fuck] love and we see cupid && say here come love.
but we tend to block the arrows off with hatred because your partner
keeping secrets and you thought the rela was sacred... waiting for a change
but its hard to have patience when your heart is in the attic & her trust is in the basement.

in reply to your " deep shit "

okay so it makes no sense...

you got three bitches on your team...
you describe the second as "makes you so mad"
and you describe the last as someone that's "sus"
& the first i can't seem to figure out what's her problem.

is it that she doesn't trust you so everything you say she questions?
& it becomes an argument because you can never back down from your pride.
do you truly sit back and think about your scenario and what its worth?
what are the true thoughts and feelings behind every word that is said?
knowing in your heart that the intentions are good, although they may come out bad.
& she doesn't trust because everything you say is opposite of what you do.


although you claim to be always down & here or whatever,
but where are you now? you thinkk your so damn clever.
you make me second think your words cause every action says something different.
maybe it's cause your confused at what you exactly want, or you dont know the difference, and when you have it you don't know how to act?
maybe you should drop all of them and start w/ someone new.
someone who truly doesn't know you, because to me what your about
is almost nothing... almost to the point lying in my face just to settle something.

if you want an opinion, you should be a man, instead of playing every game at hand.
and maybe once that happens it will all just click , & that girl will stick.

but your oblivious to the fact that you contribute to the problem & if it was really worth it to you, you will fix what's breaking you from your potentials.

WASSUP; a little abt me.

um heyy im alexus shalae. No need for the full government,
my favor color is white and hot cookies make me horny.
i wear my heart on my sleeve if you got braces.
i dont know its just myy thinggg.
julian mc duffy has truly had my heart since we first started talking...
hmm when was that boo back in like ('07)?
and even tho we might go a separate ways once in a while, we always come bac
and that's how you know. and this is just a stream of conscienceness .
so im pretty much always cold, and i hate it cause i love to dress with hardly anything on. and i h8 the summer, even tho i love the beach and my toes stickin out the window. i love winter even tho i hate being cold. i roll with my windows down with my heater on. i smoke cigarettes and i admit its not cute, and if you think i really dont cause you've never seen it, trust me it's cause you dont know me. i like being alone a lot. other people just always bring conflict. im just an alone person. i dont even like to go out where there's a lot of people. i can sleep with my soul mate all dayy. not even have to talk, if i knew we had forever. i keep a guard on my heart for as long as i can until someone breaks it. im mostly cool with every person i meet, but trust me i probably dont like you, i dont like people easily epically females that act like they cant just be cool. i think red nail polish represents class and wealth. and no make up represents security. smiling and laughing is such a must, i dont believe in people who try to hide that. i dont believe in having a lot of friends. everybody is my associate, fam or nothing.
i dont believe in giving up on someone or something you love.
i believe in karma.
im really starting not to believe in love.
summer o9 is here, and im expecting the worse, & hoping for the best.

12:30 am May 18 , 2009

I cry because I feel like how could you not understand.
Do you ever remember the things I tell you I go thru
Or what's happening in my life? Do you ever once stop
To think that at the very momment I'm next to you
And I'm silent, with no kind of happiness to my face.
That my thoughts could be filled with my worries & stresses.
Do you ever think I could need a hug or just to be held?
I know you say your not the simp type, but when someone
You " l o v e" is overwhelmed with life do you ever stop what's going
Thru your mind or what's going on in your life to mybe try & help.
Or if you feel like your powerless, do you ever think to just simply
Hold, hug, or kiss ; the girl right before you. That you may not want
Or even care abt but you know you have her heart and although you
Feel powerless to help just the simplest gesture could make her day
Or night. Maybe it could remind her of the boy she once fell in love with
Cause as of now, she completely lost sight of why you made her so happy
And the memories she's holding on to are fading as you let the time past.

5.3.2009

When we hooked up
We sat down
Made an agreement
We vowed that
That we'd always be together
Through whatever
We said that no one ever
Get between us
So love will never ever leave us
that was a while ago,
But now lately
It feels like
I mean I feel like
All we do is fight
Every single night
Can't make it tight
Can't get it right
I just wanna go back
Take it way back
All the way back
Can we start again?
Do it over?
Can we straighten' it out?
Can we work it out? cuz


I don't wanna be
(be without you, be without you)
I don't wanna live
(live without you, live without you)
I dont wanna go
(go without you, go without you)
See sugar I dont wanna
I don't wanna (be alone)


Do you realize
I can't sleep without you
Think without you
Eat without you
Speak without you
Be without you,I can't even breathe without you
I can't (feel without you), deal without you
(Spend without you)
My whole world is upside down
Don't wanna go out
Cause I can't ride without you
Feel like i'm goin' die without you
What is a girl supposed to do?
When I spend my last time to be in your life
I don't wanna be without you




How can this be?
That it's not working out
we vowed
to be--always together
It's hurting me
That we don't talk no more
It wasn't supposed to be this way
Where did we go wrong?
We both made mistakes
We gotta carry on

"I Gotta Know"

I gotta know
If I give my heart to you
That everything you say is true
And everything you say you'll do you'll do

I gotta know
If I bare my soul right here
You'll never run or disappear
You'll hold me till the hours turn to years

And I gotta say
My heart has never been so sure
You've mended every piece that tore
And now my love's too strong to tear away

So I gotta know
If you feel the same my dear
Let's justify why we are here
Say the words that I long to hear...

'Cause I've been so strong for so long
I never needed anyone
But my strenght is wearing out my heart
So I'm letting my guard down
'Cause I feel like I've finally found somebody
But I gotta know

I gotta know
You'll still kiss away my tears
Even if they make no sense
Even if they put you on defense

I gotta know
Throught the times when it gets rough
That our love will be enough
And we'll never let it go

I know only time will tell
But I need to hear it anyway
'Cause now my love's too strong to tear away

nikka costa- someone for evryone.

Someone for Everyone - Nikka Costa




Where is my someone
Who'll always understand
The person who'll give everything
Just to take my hand
What if I never feel it
What if I never know
And what if it just gets easier
To spend this life alone

Rollin' with the punches
Hope my black and blue don't show
Put the bright in my eyes
So no one ever knows
How I feel on rainy days
Or what I'd do to have always
My hopes are almost suffocating
But inside I know there's...

Someone for everyone ooh
Someone for everyone

There's got to be more
Than just getting thru the day
But I don't want to settle
Just to numb the pain away
I'm holdin' out for everything
The obvious and in betweens
And some say pride lets heartache in
But inside I just know there's

so the start of my 09 spring break.

basically my parents TRIED to ground me for my break but i just laughed like yeah whatever ( they have jokes ).....

so i go to kyle's for Easter which wuss amazing, his whole family & culture of the different foods & suchh. we had a awesome day / night.
but the next morning kyle gets a call from my father saying that my whole family is looking for me and im considered a run away hahahahha.

MY MOM CALLLED THE POLICE ON ME.
because i left without telling her.

long story short, kyle get's threaten and takes me home. -_- haha

but as im still on this whack spring break of mine...
i find out that my Pasadena family, is some how connected to kyle.
like in a seriouus way! its such a small world when you find out your cousin is dating your boyfriend's sister. like WHT THE FUCC?!#@.

only a few of the girls

LADIESSSSSSSSSS.

Tion & Family.

This morning I sound like a 40 year old woman that has been smoking since she was 19.
The past 3 days have been filled with a lot of laughter, which was so needed.
I Still can't seem to get my mind off of you, as much as I really want you to not be there.
I feel like god punishes me with the drama I have to deal with, like I'm getting punished , so he Puts all the wrong people in my life.
I feel like it's because of my faults and wrong doings I'm forced to have to settle with what I have, instead of searching for something better?
At night when I lay in my bed and I know something isn't right, it's as if I'm drowning in my sorrows , all alone at times .
I can be in a room full of people and yet feel alone. Family & friends or not.

I feel like that's my punishment.

And all these thoughts are running thru my head on a sunny sunday morning
At the car wash waiting for my car to be done.
It's a state of mind I stay in constantly.
Always thinking of my faults, or imperfections

Although this is me, don't mistake it for an insecurity .

Okay Eric, for you!

Eric told me to write about anything when it comes to blogs,
& a few people have told me my blogs are boring haha
Maybe I'm just a boring person =| I hope that's the case tho.

So today in Spanish we had a test on a song we were suppose to learn
Me being me I did not even bother listening to the song, instead having my iPod on max
With that new YG mixtape in lmao, ahhhhhh jk. So when it came time for our fill in the missing words
I was completely clueless so like a G that I am I just waited till we corrected them in class to fill in the answers.
What I thought I had got away with lil did I know the snitch ass freshman beside me went and told the teacher what I had did.

Now I had a few options on how to handle this situation
A.) ignore what happen and get the grade I deserved
B.) beat the shit out of that girl for not minding her damn business
C.) just simply throw a pen at her and get on her head.

Choosing C seemed to satify my anger, also proceeding to call her a bitch lmao
I guess you more had to be there cause I was dying of laughter,
Is it wrong to laugh at your jokes, because I cry every day at them
I feel like I'm a cocky person because of that, almost like tootting my own horn.

VOW

okay well until yesterday i never knew any1 actually read or looked at my blog,
besides of course julian ahhaha, so from now on vow that im gonna truly write on here. Not just once a month , but almost daily. some true thoughts and such.... to be honest i need a little bit of inspiration because who can truly write without any? i wonder if that even makes any sense or if anyone is feelin' me on that....

Were so up & down, but I love himm

please know i dont truly want to be done,

im really am shocked.
thats how i feel right now
i dont see how you can act that way towards the only person that looks out for you
the only person you can truly count on thru anything
the only person who truly loves you
listens to you
helps you become a better person
i dont see why you do or how you even can
want to ruin something that is that good.

i guess all i can say forsure is i know its not me.
cause i do everything in my power to please you.
but im not gonna let you think you can treat me like that.
treat me like crap and think things on your terms will be better.
like do you realize i can go out and get another nigga
thats gonna treat me like i should be
and do whatever i ask.
give me no types of problems..

not that im even saying i want that, cause apparently i want you
but you said you would try to change and learn to compromise.
you say you love me, your actions speak other wise.

you kill me everytime w. no words, just actions.

im crying every other weekend cause of you... you like it that way?

*interlude& the calm-drezzy drake_ So far Gone.

Drake_ So Far Gone.

1.Lust For Life
2.Houstatlantavegas
3.Successful (feat. Trey Songz & Lil' Wayne)
4.Let's Call It Off (feat. Peter Bjorn & John)
5.November 18th
6.Ignant Shit (feat. Lil' Wayne)
7.A Night Off (feat. Lloyd)
8.Say Whats Real
9.Little Bit (feat.Lykke Li)
10.Best I Ever Had
11.Unstoppable (feat. Santa Gold & Lil' Wayne)
12.Uptown (feat. Bun B & Lil' Wayne)
13.Sooner Than Later
14.Interlude (feat. Omarion)
15.The Calm
16.Outro
17.Brand New

ugh i hate him but i love him!

thoughts, lately.

i amm so focused.
so focused in living a better life.
im going for what i truly want
and its kinda outta character for me.

too you kcm.

every thing has been really hard for me lately,
and you've keep me grounded.
your everything i look forward to now.
with one text you can make my day or ruin it
you have my heart. i love you

happy.

even though im in alotta shit with my mom
i really dont care cause im happy.
im happy with life and school so
she needs to grow a cock and become happy too
=)